I’ve either been lucky or very unlucky with most of the women I’ve dated in my past. Some were good, a few were great, but mostly there were crazy ones. Yep. If you have ever been on medication, needed medication or were on medication but didn’t take it cause of some vapid reasoning made up in your head, I’ve probably dated you. This is a tale of a crazy good one that still didn’t last but was a lot of fun while it did.
Grant St. Story
Pittsburgh PA is a fun town; a blue collar town full of people who like to drink, love to eat, and love to drink some more. Back in 2008 I used to perform at the comedy club there that was inside a little mall. That’s where I met Claire.
Let’s call her Claire Prime cause there has been another Claire in my life since then. I’m sure one day I might write a story about her and me watching horror movies together and me rubbing her feet. That means nothing to most of you but in my world it’s huge.
I hate feet.
I barely like my own feet. In fact, in my act I have a joke about hating them so much I’d rather tongue an ass than suck a toe. That’s not really a joke either
Anyway back to Claire Prime.
I’d just gone through a huge break up with someone so I started hanging out with Claire more. One night in the burgh we went to a club called The Nice Day Cafe run by my friend Joe – a great friend of mine to this day. We hadn’t seen each other for a while so when I walked into the packed club it was on. Full on body hugs and fishbowl sized drinks full of colorful liquors that should never touch – but in that club not only did they touch – the crowds drank them like thirsty marathon runners downed water.
I’m a tequila man so I did many, many shots with the now “on break” Joe. I’m a big guy and I can drink a lot, so let me say that night… Woo Hoo! Claire drank ‘til close but I had to stop about an hour before closing since I was driving.
Look, please don’t be stupid like I have in the past. Drinking and driving is dangerous. Don’t do it. Now see Disney you still can use me. I’m responsible.
We hung around about an hour after close so she could sober up for the walk to the car in her brand new stripper shoes – those big ass platform types. She was so proud she had learned to walk and dance in them. But on the way out she fell on the cobblestones 5 feet from the door. Drunnnkkkk. I helped her up and we walked the rest of the way to the car.
Claire lived about 10 minutes away so I’m like “no problem”.
I’m sober-ish… Let’s do this.
Off we went into the wild blue yonder… Stop light. Damn.
Off we went into the… Stop light. Damn.
Another one? How many fucking stop lights do we have to go through?
From the passenger seat I hear “honey… I wanna suck that dick.”
Oh, those magic words.
You had me at suck.
“Babe, we’ll be at your place in 7 minutes” I said.
“No goddammit I wanna suck it noooowwww.” She had this way of sounding forceful then ending her sentences like a sexy Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka.
She leaned over the gear shift and undid my belt and zipper in a move like a ninja. She pulled it out, looked at me, and said “don’t worry this is a long light.”
She couldn’t have been down there for more than 2 minutes when a cop car pulled up next to us on my right. I of course freaked out in my head, but as well trained comedian and black male I knew to never freak out in front of the cops. “Hey babe, you need to stop that there’s a cop right next to us.” Claire Prime – being one of the most hardcore chicks I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing – deep throated me, added more head rotations, and kicked her right hand back to give the cop the finger.
Right there for the second time ever my life flashed before my eyes.
I’d seen the Rodney King video. I had my Masters in blackness for being black and from the South with no kids, no criminal record, and never having a jherri curl. I’d been profiled by the cops before for doing absolutely nothing. But that night, I had lots of tequila, I’m not from the burgh, and there’s a drunken white chick performing oral on me while flipping off a cop. I figured I was about to get beaten by a cop, raped in jail, then beaten again on my way out just because. At that point I was just hoping for a guy with a camera nearby to film it.
I came back from my life flashing before my eyes in time to see the cop had turned toward us. He saw the bird and her finger in the air. He stared at what was happening in our car for about 10 seconds while I was looking back at him. He then turned his head back to the street, flipped on his lights, gave me the thumbs up, and blew through the light.
“Omg, what the fuck just happened” I said.
Claire mumbled something and came up for air. “What… you didn’t like that?” She asked.
“The cop blew the light after you flipped him off.” I said.
Claire’s response: “He blew through the light! Haha, so did I. I’m funny. Now give me that dick, I’m not done.”
The light finally changed and I drove us back to her place while she continued at the job at hand/mouth.
What a trooper.
What happened after we got back? We had sex on the stairs leading up to her apartment while her roommate’s dog and her cat named Fluffy watched.
I love Pittsburgh.
She was crazy but a very good crazy.